i have never known love

untangling the idea of love when I've only dated the ghost of it

Well something must be wrong with her if nobody loves her!

As a certified hopeless romantic, I have always been in love with the idea of love. For as long as I can remember, I was always that one girl with either a romance book in hand or a new romcom movie to watch. And as the years passed by, the common phrases “love will find you when you least expect it” and "you’re still young, you have plenty of time" became a broken record.

I watched as most of my friends got into their first relationships. They fell in love. Invited their partners to dinners, parties, and events. And there I was, showing up alone. AGAIN. I began to feel this competition-esque rush to not be the last one left standing, paired with the constant worry of what being single would say about me.

Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me. Right?

That’s what any girl needs.

Single became synonymous with miserable, lonely, unworthy. Happiness became a synonym of taken, lovable.

But why does it matter? Why is it that our only value as women is determined by whether someone falls in love with us?

It’s all bullshit.

Love as a Social Currency

In a world where women don’t need to be married away to ensure economic safety. In a world where women can do more than ever before. In the most Carrie Bradshaw fashion, I began to wonder, has love become an immaterial currency that speaks for us?

Poor Cinderella, being bullied by her stepsisters. Poor Rapunzel, trapped in that tower. Poor Aurora, in her endless sleep. But one kiss from a man, and all their problems disappear. They are saved. And even better, they become princesses!

Maybe what I need is to find a dude to kiss me, that way my problems would go away.

Fail a class? Kiss a boy. Need to pay rent? Kiss a boy.

Guys, I think I cracked the code in life. Having a boyfriend is the new rich!

Even in modern media, the same premise as the old princess tales of meeting a prince and getting a happily ever after remains with strong prominence. Different setting, different time, same outcome. Open TikTok and you’ll fill find countless dating advice videos, paid subscriptions to dating apps, love songs, self-help books, romance as a genre in entertainment. It is EVERYWHERE you dare to look.

Character archetypes are ingrained with these ideals. The popular pretty girl always has a boyfriend. And the nerdy weird girl? Oh right, she has no one!

And who wouldn’t want to be the popular girl? To be admired. Loved. So, having a boyfriend means I must be pretty, right? Having a boyfriend means I’m worthy of love. Having a boyfriend means I am not invisible. That is the message that we are all getting.

So why do we crave love so much? Is it the media? Culture? Society?

I dare to say all of the above.

Love is a goal. Love is a status. Love is everything.

Better find your other half soon, you’re getting ripe!

Sure, never having a boyfriend at 13 was considered normal in my time. Maybe at 16 it was cute. At 18 it was a sign that I was focused or responsible. Being 22 however, becomes a motive to be questioned. And people think they are entitled to know why.

My aunts won’t stop asking me about boyfriends. My hometown friends always look at me when I come to visit, wondering if this time I came back with news, gossip, or stories. My university friends know me as the girl whose every romantic encounter ends in a quick disaster. I guess it is part of my brand now. A proud member of The-Single-For-Life-Club.

We are not in a 1700s society anymore. There is no right age to fall in love or marry. No rush to enter society and dance away at balls in hopes of finding a husband. Or is it?

The older I get, the more I realise things haven’t really changed. It’s the same ideals in new shiny packaging. The Spinster became The Crazy Cat Lady. The debutante balls morphed into dating apps and singles events. Finding a husband became finding your other half. And the consequence is the same. Single women are subjected to shame. Women are told to centre love. Sacrifice, serve, forgive.

Yet for men, it is the complete opposite. They are The Bachelors. The players. Single men aren’t grilled by their family members about girlfriends during the holidays. The stereotypes used to describe them aren’t based on negative connotations or shame. Men are told to centre themselves. Their goals, dreams, and careers. And if they do have relationships, they have their beloved Trophy Wife or their Arm Candy.

We become objects, shiny little trophies that grant the owner bragging rights, servants, and private property. Is this why there is so much push for us to fall in love? For us to do it at a young age when we don’t know any better? Is this why the older we get, the more shame and pressure keep being pushed towards us?

The Subtle Art of Being Single

After my long rant, I might sound like I hate love, or that I don’t believe it even exists. However, that is not the case. I still consider myself a hopeless romantic. But throughout the years, I have also found the beauty of being single. The gifts and privileges that are so often overlooked. The knowledge I have gained. A different perspective.

I moved across the world three years ago. And my young, naive self thought, this is it. I will find love and live happily ever after in my new life. Yet, that didn’t happen. But many other things did. I accomplished so many different quests, and the best part is I get to attribute all of them to myself. I built a life brick by brick. I found who I am and grew my confidence. I have spent my time diving deep into my niche hobbies. I have had so much free time to focus on myself. Focus on what I really want and give the middle finger to the rules, the stereotypes, the expectations.

But one random day I thought: What would have happened if I came here and got a boyfriend?

And the answer is, I wouldn’t have done half of the things I have on my own. I am now glad I have been given this chance. I am glad my life has led me here. Whether I find love sometime or not at all. I think I am finally at peace with that. My life is pretty fucking great, boyfriend or no boyfriend. I have value because I am me, not because someone loves me. And you know what, people do love me. My friends do. My family, too. And I do. That’s enough.

So I won’t end this essay saying all the stuff you’ve probably heard before. I am here to tell you that your feelings are valid. You are allowed to feel frustrated, bitter, jealous, or even sad. You have a right to get annoyed when Valentine’s Day comes around, all the lovey dovey shit gets put on the shelves, and the entire world turns into roses, heart shaped balloons and romantic crap. You have every right to get pissed when people repeat cliché phrases to you, in hopes of making you feel better. (Spoiler, they won’t!)

However, I also want to give some hope. There is happiness beyond love. And there is value in your experience. Don’t accept less just because you want to feel loved. Don’t lower your standards to get a cheap version of love. Don’t base your self-worth on anyone other than yourself. And most importantly, the happily ever after does come, even if the prince doesn’t. So, you do know love, trust me. You just have to look at it a different way.

“To understand this topic from another angle, I recommend Do I Want a Platonic Partnership, or Am I Just Sick of Not Being Included? by Oscar's Indecisions.”

Who wrote this?

Maria Paula is an Amsterdam based writer and cultural critic exploring the messy intersections of identity. She writes about girlhood, sexuality, and passions over on her blog Bubblegum Guts; a home for big feelings, weird thoughts, and everything in between. When she’s not working on essays or collaging, you’ll find her disappearing into a good book or the perfect playlist.