what it's like to be on the other side of a parasocial relationship

introducing 'sarapocial' relationships (yes, you read that right)

Mum cried when Whitney Houston died. I hyperventilated when I managed to call Jacob Sartorius (it was a fake call, but the tears rolled down my cheeks as I was sure I was talking to my then-idol).  My ex-boyfriend was overjoyed when his favourite player from Liverpool had a baby.

Enter: Parasocial Relationships

A big term that was first introduced in academia by Horton and Wohl in 1956, but which is infiltrating our world and all of our feeds today. For a lot of us, it might not need to be explained, but for the formalities:

“Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest, and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other’s existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations (such as sports teams) or television stars.” - Findapsychologist.com

In simple words, it’s the relationship you have formed with that one influencer or that one actor or singer that you’re obsessed with. When they’re going through a hard time, you feel for them. When they’re happy, you walk around smiling. And these relationships have been around for some time - think about the stars of Old Hollywood, think politicians even. Your great-grandma probably did care for someone who she didn’t know personally. 

What your great-grandma didn’t have however is the World Wide Web and all the beautiful (and sometimes scary) things that come with it. Great-granny would not know that her parasocial special someone was just seen on a date with someone who is not his wife. She would find out about it eventually, but she wouldn’t have her smartphone buzzing with up-to-millisecond updates and people sharing their thoughts on it on TikTok, Instagram Reels, or YouTube Shorts (choose your fighter). 

It might sound cliche, or even lazy even I write that the World Wide Web changed a lot in parasocial relationships, for both the public who feel this towards someone and those on the receiving end. Suddenly the public is not just a random reader of a magazine, but a user with a profile picture and the ability to comment, like, and voice their opinions

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Enter: Sarapocial Relationships

‘That’s not a real word!’ you’re thinking - BUT  Sarapocial relationships are indeed a very real ”something.” Hank Green first brought this term to my attention in his video - “We Need to Talk about Sarapocial Relationships,” where he coined the term ‘sarapocial’ to try and capture the essence of an “inverted” parasocial relationship. Again for the formalities, here’s my definition:

Sarapocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person (someone with a following; singer, influencer, actor, etc.) extends emotional energy, interest, and time, toward their group of followers/fans. 

Hank Green was inspired to start this conversation by Brittany Broski who said this about her fans - known as ‘Broski Nation’ -  in an interview with Colin and Samir. 

“Having such an intense parasocial relationship, honestly, from their end and from my end… I am parasocially attached to them in a different way than they sort of look up to me. Every decision I make is for them. I don’t want to have them be mad at me or be unhappy with the content I am putting out. I think it’s unacceptable to not be attached to your audience.”

Hank Green takes this quote and agrees, yet adds that because of the inversion, we cannot keep calling that relationship parasocial. We need to acknowledge the completely different “ratio” of the relationship. It is no longer 1 to 1, it is 1 to millions, at times.

If relationships with one person can be harsh and confusing at times, imagine a relationship with a group that big. In sarapocial relationships the creator is dealing with a group of people - each of them different, each of them with their own opinions and preferences, so they can never really ‘get it right’ for everyone.

“I think that the sarapocial relationship is a much bigger relationship than a parasocial relationship in that person's life because it is not only a relationship but it is also a job, it is like an ever present thing in my mind, everything public is informed by it.” - Hank Green

Do we all have a parasocial relationship with our ‘audience?

Hear me out… if you are online and you have a following, you have formed a sarapocial relationship, even if it’s a very small one.

When you post a new picture on Instagram, you’re doing it for a mass of people who follow - all of whom you might not know. When you write the caption you consider their reception and probably adjust it to make sure it will be received the way you want it to. You curate the persona you want online, even if you don’t notice it.

When we post on TikTok, you aren’t even really posting to your ‘following’ like on Instagram, you’re posting to all the people that the algorithm will “match” you with. So, again, you’re creating something for a mass of people you do not even know.

Of course, this ”microdose” of sarapocial relationship doesn’t influence our lives as much as it does for someone like Hank Green, but in a time when algorithms are luring us into thinking that our next post could be viral, it’s worth thinking about the consequence of what could happen if things get too sarapcocial out here.

And, when it comes to your favourite influencer, maybe this is a helpful framework for considering how it feels to be on the other side of such a following. Yes - hold them accountable, but please don’t show up to their wedding.

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who wrote this?

Iza Jabłońska is currently studying, surviving (more or less) in Melbourne, but is originally from Poland. You’ll find her globetrotting with a notebook in hand, with a lot of things to say. Find her on Instagram here 𓆩♡𓆪

want to be published in culture vulture?

if you’re a pop culture/ internet writer and you feel like you’ve got something to say that fits with our culture vulture vibe, send me a draft to luce@shityoushouldcareabout.com and I’ll see what I can do 𓆩♡𓆪