so, what are we?

on the death of the chill girl

A chill girl is low maintenance. She doesn't voice her concerns. She loves being ‘one of the guys’. In romantic relationships (especially straight), a chill girl is never anxious; she doesn’t bother her partner by asking silly questions like: What are we? When am I going to meet your parents? Do you talk to your friends about me? A chill girl doesn’t make a scene. A chill girl is silent.

Last year, I was her. I was in a weird situationship that I knew was doomed from the beginning, but I ignored my gut feelings. Whenever I had free time, I was on the phone talking to him, and when I wasn't, I was thinking about talking to him. It was a rush I hadn't felt before; it was glorious and painful, and I couldn't get enough of it. It was so intoxicating; I went to bed dreaming about the possibility of us, and then I would wake up and spend the whole day anxiously waiting for a text from him.

I could feel myself going insane. I felt so out of myself. I couldn’t figure him out. Why was he so attentive one day and so nonchalant the next? What was he doing those days he didn’t text me? Who was he with? What did he want from me? Did he care, or was he just using me? I wanted to be chill, so I didn’t say anything - I’d rather have had a glimpse of him than nothing at all.

He made me feel angry for wanting more. We never talked about exclusivity, we were not in a relationship, but he knew my deepest fears. What were we then? How could I ask for more if we never defined the relationship? It was like we owed nothing to each other because he wanted it that way.

To cut a long story short, I got sick of being chill, of not asking for what I wanted, and so I decided to call it quits.

Ironically, I was going through this when I first listened to Chappell Roan’s “Casual,” which tells the story of two people in an unbalanced relationship (one person was heavily attached, and the other wanted no strings.) By the end of the song, Roan realizes that the person she was pining over was never going to give her what she wanted, and most importantly, she was never going to be a “chill girl,” singing:

“I try to be the chill girl that holds her tongue and gives you space. I try to be the chill girl, but honestly, I'm not.”

Hearing those lyrics while I was heartbroken was like a hug from a friend. It felt like such a relief to know other women felt the same way I did. Historically, we (women) have been taught that our emotions are a burden, that feeling too much is exhausting to our partners, and that we are better off acting cool about it all. Well, not anymore, I decided.

As I’m writing this, I keep thinking about a quote from Taylor Swift in Folklore: The Long Pond Studio Sessions:

“The most rage-provoking element of being a female is the gaslighting that happens when, for centuries, we’ve been expected to absorb male behaviour silently. Silent absorption of whatever any guy decides to do. And oftentimes when we, in our enlightened state, in our emboldened state now, respond to bad male behaviour… that response is treated like the offence itself.”

I mean, isn’t that just it? This “chill girl” concept has been instilled in our brains since childhood - we’re always expected to care about other’s emotions before our own. To keep it all inside, to let that anger build up. But as we know, we’re human. We have to feel. It always comes out.

Of course, the most exaggerated (and possibly most famous) chill girl is Amy Dunne in Gone Girl. Of course, one of the most iconic parts of that film is the “cool girl” monologue, which goes like this:

“Cool girl.’ Men always use that, don’t they? As their defining compliment. She’s a ‘cool girl.’ Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man. She only smiles in a chagrin loving manner and then presents her mouth for fucking. She likes what he likes… When I met Nick Dunne, I knew he wanted a cool girl and for him, I’ll admit, I was willing to try…  I lived in the moment. I was fucking game… I forged the man of my dreams… But Nick got lazy. He became someone I did not agree to marry. He actually expected me to love him unconditionally then he dragged me, penniless…and found himself a newer, younger, bouncier Cool Girl. You think I’d let him destroy me and end up happier than ever? No fucking way. He doesn’t get to win!”

Underneath the facade of the “chill girl” is a fear of being unlovable, or ‘too much.’ But being a “chill girl” goes beyond our desire for a romantic partner, it is a way to make ourselves feel valuable in a patriarchal world. This relentless pursuit of being agreeable and accommodating buries our true selves beneath layers of pretense. Embracing vulnerability might feel like a radical act of defiance in a society that frequently demands emotional detachment from women.

So, the next time you're tempted to bury your feelings under a mountain of indifference, take a deep breath and let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling. And then live it. Trust me, it's liberating.

---

who wrote this?

Luisa a twenty-something year old from Colombia, based in Cartagena, and is in the process of getting a degree in political science and international relations. Apart from being a student, she’s the mom of two beautiful baby cats and spends most of her time watching sitcoms and video essays on YouTube about pop culture and fashion. You can also find her forcing myself to go back to her bookworm era and recently writing for her newsletter All over the place. 

want to be published in culture vulture?

if you’re a pop culture/ internet writer and you feel like you’ve got something to say that fits with our culture vulture vibe, send me a draft to luce@shityoushouldcareabout.com and I’ll see what I can do 𓆩♡𓆪